Should I be like others or different?

2024.06.30.

Have you ever done something that everyone around you unanimously said, "No, don't be foolish!"? An incomprehensible decision in your life, career, or business? Something that is different...

I think I’m put together in a very peculiar way. And I don’t even know what I would prefer: to say that people, in general, are put together in strange ways, because then I’d know we are all like this... Or to think that I’m the one who’s different, and the others are not, because then I could feel special. Special, in my own peculiar way.

How true is it for us, humans, that we want to belong somewhere while also wanting to stand out, to be different? Because nowadays, normality is boring. But how can we stand out if we don’t belong somewhere? After all, you can only stand out from somewhere. And if you’ve stood out, do you still belong somewhere? What kind of standing out is it that doesn’t elevate you so much that you no longer belong where you stood out from? And if you’ve stood out, does that mean you belong to those who have also stood out, so you’re like them? But if you wanted to stand out, did it, but then you’re like the others who stood out, and you truly want to stand out, how far do you have to rise to be so outstanding that there’s no one around you anymore because you’re so different, so special?

And what will be there? Loneliness? Emptiness?

For me, belonging somewhere is a fundamental need. I long to belong somewhere. To a partner. To a family. To friends. The feeling of belonging gives a sense of security, good self-esteem. Isn’t it great when in your favorite café they know exactly how you like your coffee? You feel like it’s your place. Maybe this doesn’t need much explanation, the feeling is there within us, the warmth, the relaxation, perhaps even a little smile appeared while reading this, as that inexplicable soft warmth passed through us. It’s good to belong somewhere. It’s good because then I’m not alone. Yet this feeling can come so brutally. Just out of nowhere. After a conversation where you weren’t heard. When no one says hello back. When they call you stupid for what you bought, who you voted for, how you dress, your hair, and basically everything else... at that moment, they take away a tiny piece of your belonging. And those who say it together know they belong together. You freeze, you die a little, you want to run away. Do you run? Hmm. Maybe. Or you go back among them. To where you were hardly anyone, and you try again. Maybe you buy a different car if you can afford it. If you really want to be with the others, maybe along with the car you’ll have some debt and a few tough years. But maybe then they’ll say, "You’re cool, buddy." So, maybe you’re kind of there, kind of not, but you’re happy enough if they’re not picking on you. Maybe you’ll even pick on someone else, and if you’re lucky, the others will pick on that person with you. You’ve arrived. This was how it was in kindergarten too. But you’re over 40. You don’t want to stand out, that’s not good, that’s visible.

But you’re different.

Am I different? I like doing things differently. I think that’s another fundamental need of mine. Maybe I think differently, maybe I see opportunities in different things, maybe I make different decisions in my life. Because I want to do something that not many others do, or only a few. I’m not interested in traditional, risk-free business ideas. I seek the new. I love discovering possibilities, and I try to exploit these new opportunities. I like doing everything differently. Saying things that others don’t even want to admit to themselves. Making people think. What’s with this big desire to be different? What does it give me? I understand what belonging gives, but this desire to be different?

Do I want to show myself?

Of course, I do. If I didn’t, could I expect to be seen? This is perhaps one of the foundations of belonging. Isn’t it? Since ancient times, women have been painting themselves, and nowadays men are doing it again too. We love nice clothes, or fancy cars, or a good bag. Anything that, when seen, somehow draws attention to us. Maybe that’s how I know, we know, that we exist, that we’re here. Do I want to be recognized, talked about, respected when people see me, my work? Of course, I do. It feels good when they say, "You’re clever, smart, talented." When they go, "Wow, you did that so well." "Let’s talk!" "Can I call you?" "Will you help?" Is that weird?

What does this give me?

Validation of my existence within the community. It strengthens my self-esteem, my self-worth grows. My relationships expand, my network develops (so standing out strengthens my position in the community). This opens up career opportunities, gives knowledge, and maybe leads to a sense of inner satisfaction. And this feeling somehow contributes to the improvement of my overall quality of life.

And does standing out give me this?

Hmm. Not always. Maybe the best kind of standing out is when you’re like the others, just a little better at something. Just a little. Better. And only in something. Let that little something be something that those from whom you want to stand out can understand. Because if they don’t understand, then you’re not just a little better, you’re simply an idiot. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

Does it matter?

Well, that’s the question! Of course, it matters, because maybe the desire to belong somewhere is a much more ancient need than the desire to stand out. Although even the alpha male had to be different from the others, otherwise, he couldn’t have been the alpha. But the alpha also had to be an alpha somewhere. So it might be safe to say that the desire to belong somewhere is stronger, if not more ancient, than the desire to stand out. It’s better to be somewhere not standing out than to be nowhere because there you can’t stand out either.

Let’s stay on topic!

What if you’re so different that they don’t understand you and therefore criticize you? After all, if someone doesn’t understand something, to protect their self-esteem, the solution is that you’re the fool, not them. Does that hurt? It does. Does it influence your decisions? Will you do something else? Will you stick with your idea? What will be the outcome? When will you be proven right? When you manage to do it and become successful?

Now, that’s a cool thing to try! There’s less of that. Let’s assume you tried and failed. Then you’re certainly a fool because the others told you in advance. Don’t do it! But you didn’t listen to the good advice, the smarter ones. It’s hard to come back from that. But what if you did it? You’re successful. That justifies it. You were bold, a genius! History is written by the winners. If they think the Earth is flat, then it’s flat.

Are you sure?

You’re successful. You fought to be different, not like the others. Better at something. And then comes the big sentence: “It was easy for you.” Hmm. What? And you just sit there quietly, drinking your beer. Success aside, being better at something aside. Somewhere you realize it’s not all about that.

So, what is the right path?

To be like others? To be different? Can you be different, and if so, how much? How can you belong somewhere if you’re different? I don’t know, I have no answer, I’m just floating in this right now. I could write the clichés, like choose yourself, you won’t regret it, and similar wisdom. A cliché? Of course, it is, still choose yourself, because that’s really the essence, but you might regret it 😊 Because if your sense of belonging pulls you to a place where those who are already there don’t want to understand you, just figure out what’s wrong with you, then this is going to be a tough ride. And maybe they don’t want to hurt you either, they just want to belong somewhere, or they just don’t understand the whole thing. And maybe we don’t have time for questions, for understanding, for each other.

I have no answer. Maybe we just need to understand that "our differences are the same."

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The article was translated from Hungarian to English by ChatGPT. Thank you, ChatGPT, for being here.