Selfie

2024.09.07.

A selfie is a self-portrait, a picture taken by the person of themselves. It’s a picture we take of ourselves. But this picture isn't just a digital imprint taken with a camera; there exists a selfie within us as well. A picture that doesn’t only appear on Instagram or Facebook, but in every segment of our lives. In every conversation, every decision, in our possessions, in the way we walk. In our words. But what is this picture? What are the filters that sharpen, blur, or color every tiny pixel of our lives?

Who am I?

I think this question has occupied me since childhood. No, I don’t remember my childhood answers at all: maybe a firefighter, or a soldier, or a shepherd... or simply the dreamer little Balázs. But I don’t remember what I might have answered as a young adult either, and honestly, I’m still searching for the answer today.

I’m searching.

But where should I search, where have I searched? Where can I even begin to look for the answer to this simple question? Somehow, I always end up realizing that my actions provide the clearest answer most of the time. So, what have I done in the past to find the answer to this question? Because maybe, if I can’t find the answer within myself, I can try to build an image of myself in the relationship systems of others. I’ve always liked competition, somehow I’ve always been prone to comparing myself with others. Maybe because that’s what I grew up with, that was my environment, or perhaps I was just geared toward it—I don’t know.

I think we all know who we really are, but somehow, over the years, we try to become what we think will best meet the expectations of those important to us. We want to be accepted, to be loved, to belong to someone, to some people, to somewhere. So that we are not alone. The world is so big, and alone we can feel small and lost. So, deep down, we know who we are, but as part of our survival strategy, we try to become what we think will make us more successful in life than being who we really are. We act on this, even when it’s not conscious.

How can I define myself?

I tried to think about what things I’ve done over the years to show myself in a better light. Maybe if I understand who or what I wanted to be, I’ll also understand who I really am. What were the things that, in retrospect, I did to show that I’m worth something, all for the sake of connecting, for the feeling that I matter. Because the more important I am, the more I connect, the more others will want to connect with me. But what makes me important, what do I need to have, what do I need to become?

I am what I own.

Wealth, status, possessions. Are they important? Yes, they can be important. There’s no need to be spiritual about it; we live in a material world. I remember around the time I started my entrepreneurial life, I wanted a big car. A big, black one with light leather seats. So it would be clear that I could afford it. If I could afford it, it meant I had money, and if I had money, it meant I was doing something right. If I was doing something right, then people would trust me to do what they needed. Many people define us by external things. Your car, your house, your vacation destinations, the labels on your clothes—all signs of how much you own. But are we really defined by what we own? If we define ourselves by wealth or material success, we measure our personal worth by them as well. And we don’t recognize their value, but rather their price. Would my worth be higher because the price of my possessions is higher? Does a luxury car, a beachfront house, or an expensive watch really define me? And if so, how do I feel when someone else has more, better, or more expensive things?

I am what I achieve.

Many of my acquaintances had bigger, flashier, more luxurious stuff. I felt this wasn’t the right direction to show I’m the king. You only need money for expensive stuff. Money can come from anywhere, not just from good work, and no one asks where it came from, as long as you have it. So what else could set me apart? What will define me, what will make me unique? My performance and achievements! Successes like how quickly you complete the Kinizsi 100, the GR20 in Corsica, or whether you finish the Ironman, or run a marathon—they will show it. It’s objective. No corruption, favoritism, or cronyism; it doesn’t matter who your father is or which party you vote for.

You have to perform! So I ran, cycled, hiked, hit the gym. But it wasn’t enough, I didn’t have the time to make up for the years I had missed in my youth. I performed well at the beginning, lost weight, made visible progress, but I couldn’t keep going... from a sporting perspective, my results were unremarkable...

I am what others think of me.

Not from a sporting perspective, but from an average person’s view, yes. There were the praising comments, casual encounters with people who mentioned they started doing something because of me. Fame. That’s it! Isn’t that what matters, that people say: Balázs, you’re the king! Isn’t that what wealth and performance are all about? Isn’t that the ultimate answer to the question? It doesn’t matter if you have it or not, if you did it or didn’t... the point is how the people important to you judge it. And how can you convince them? By getting recognition from people who are credible to them. THAT’S IT! So bring on the accolades, the awards. International competitions, international articles. And they came. An American Forbes article, an English competition, an American competition, an Asian magazine article. It was like they were pouring awards and recognition on me. I enjoyed it, I devoured the flood of reactions and comments on Facebook and LinkedIn posts. More and more people wanted to befriend me, even people I had never met in my life.

I am who my connections are.

Success is a magnet. It attracts everyone. The successful come, because we successful people stick together, after all, we belong to the same group, having been through the same battles. The learners come, the supporters come, those who want to push your cart with you come, the freeloaders come, the onlookers come... and those who see opportunities in you come. Opportunities to get to where you are. They come as long as they believe you are so successful that you possess things that can help them achieve things more easily, things that will help them attract the friends they imagine you have. We bask in success, in the sea of abundance.

Selfish

As I sat there and looked at my inner Instagram, my heavily filtered self-images, I somehow felt empty and impersonal. My profile felt like I had bought the "successful entrepreneur" 2019 model year, complete with fellow rising star manager types, with whom we had all surgically engineered our lives to look the same, meticulously following the Central European macho handbook. We sculpted our faces to look alike, driving the same cars, becoming artificially confident, push-up-faced success men.

Was this what I wanted to be?

Yes. Did I succeed? Yes. Check. Got it. Was it okay? No. Somehow, things still didn’t work. My friends mocked my car, saying I could have bought a proper one, not just something for clumsy guys like me. And anyway, why don’t I buy myself a decent watch? Where are you vacationing? No way, that place is for retirees. And besides, my life felt all wrong, I couldn’t find my place. That’s why I sold my company, because I didn’t believe in it anymore; surely it was starting to fail, that’s why I bailed out. I got lucky. It was easy for me.

I did everything to become what I thought would be important to others. Important because I had what they had, or what they desired. Important because I had achieved things that few could claim. Important because I believed they would say, think, and share with me that they respected and admired me.

I wanted to be an alpha.

An alpha who stands out, who has an impact, who doesn’t need to say anything, and people still know he’s the king. Respected. But what if all this is taken from me, if I lose it? Or what if I just realize that this whole thing is nonsense! An illusion. It’s there, but it’s not. Like in the tale of King Matthias, where the clever girl brings a gift, but not really. Years went into this. I worked for years, struggled, and at times made sacrifices to get all of this. I have it, but I don’t.

Who am I if I have nothing?

Stripped bare. Without car keys, title, or Forbes article. What am I like when stripped down? Do I dare show this? Would I dare post such a selfie of myself? Even the algorithm would instantly ban me. So, is wealth important? Yes. Are achievements important? Yes. Does it matter what others say about me? Of course. Are connections important? Naturally. So why all the lamenting? What am I philosophizing about?

Why is the question important?

I always end up realizing that my actions provide the clearest answer most of the time. What I do. And what’s the motivation behind my actions? I think what has matured in me is the understanding that I am not someone because these things—wealth, achievements, recognition, important connections—are present. My actions aren’t about having more and more of these things to justify who I am. I’m not working to prove the significance of my existence.

I think I’ve come to understand that cause and effect are reversed. These things are there because I am who I am. And I’m working to be as much of that person as I can be. The person I am. That’s why I search within myself and try to peel off the layers that life and the people important to me have put on me. So I can clearly see my inner selfie.

My self-image. Without filters and retouching.

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The article was translated from Hungarian to English by ChatGPT. Thank you, ChatGPT, for being here.