How can one write about this?

2024.10.19.

It is always painful when something ends. Especially when it is someone's life. Is it part of life? Indeed, but for those involved, for those who remain, who have lost someone, a huge void appears in their lives. The death of their loved one is a part of their life that they didn’t ask for, didn’t wish for. For those left behind, the death of their loved one is a painfully heavy burden.

Recently, someone passed away.

A well-known person. Someone’s son, someone’s brother, friend, mentor. A well-known person. And suddenly, my Facebook and LinkedIn feeds were filled with posts where this well-known person is in photos with others, stories about who talked to him when and where, and what he did. As I was reading these posts, I felt a strange discomfort.

What are these stories about?

Are they about the deceased? About his greatness as a human being, about what he gave to humanity? About who he was, what he loved, whom he loved, who he really was? Maybe so that those who didn’t know him could learn little things about him that cannot be found in books or recordings. So they could get to know the person too.

Or about his legacy? About what he gave to the world, what we received from him, how we became better, more because of him. How he affected us, our present, and our future. And maybe, by understanding what we received, we can also understand what we lost.

Or about the mourner? Does the writer want to do something, to give something, since they had no control over what happened? Or are we lifting up the deceased in our writing as a sign of our respect, gratitude, thanks, and grief?

Or are these posts simply about us?

Is this a moment when we can show everyone how important we were to the deceased well-known person? That we met – even if only for the length of a selfie – that we talked, and we told him this and that. And he listened because we were, and are, important. And maybe others will acknowledge this with their reactions. And maybe then we will be more certain that we were, and are, important.

What would it be about for me?

What would I do if I had a photo or story with him? Would I post it? Would I too, with a mix of pride and sadness, tell the internet world that he’s gone? I don’t know; I’m not in such a situation, or I don’t remember ever being in one. I don’t know how I would feel, how I would see the moment, and of course, how the one reading it would judge it.

I also wondered if I would post about it if my neighbor, whom I highly respect, passed away. If a close relative died, would I post about it? Would I want to share what happened with the community? And if I shared it, what would I expect from it? And if I didn’t share this, but I shared the death of a well-known person, what would that say about all of this, and about me?

Do I want people to be empathetic? To not be alone in my pain? Or do I just want to talk out my pain, to make it easier to process the trauma that I might not even realize at that moment? Or do I just want attention, to feel like people are paying attention to me?

When I share something publicly on social media, it feels like I’m putting that part of my life on display. Is it okay to display death or grief? Is it important for our never-seen digital followers to express their condolences? Or do we just want to simplify how we inform our acquaintances? Are we looking for the quicker, easier way even here?

It’s allowed, of course, it is!

There’s nothing stopping you from writing a post about it. You can do whatever you want. Meanwhile, I’m thinking about what it gives me to read about what others feel, how they see the deceased, how they relate to him. I think if a post is about the deceased, their legacy, or the mourning, such writing enriches me, helps me get to know the person, and maybe helps me understand the shades of grief too.

We don’t talk much about death; we die in closed rooms, under the care of professionals. Just like birth, death is not really part of our home anymore. I don’t know what death is like. I don’t know what it’s like to hold the hand of your loved one as they go. I don’t know how to prepare for it. And I don’t know if I would want to display that.

For me, the display window is not the right place to share my experiences or those of others about death. The display objectifies and markets one of the most tragic life events. Between the car of the week, the girl of the day, and motivational quotes, grief and someone’s death don’t belong. Death and grief should be talked about, discussed. And of course, you can write about them, with respect, love, dignity. With emotions. Where? Where is the right place for this? I don’t know.

And maybe it’s just a cultural issue. Maybe I wasn’t socialized for this. I’ve never talked about death. When a very close loved one of mine died, I didn’t talk about it for years. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do with their absence or with myself.

I didn’t know how to share this with others.

Even today, I don’t know how to share this with others. How to share it well.