Just Don't Let It Hurt
2024.07.31.
Yesterday morning, I was sitting in a café, having breakfast. At the neighboring table, two women were chatting. They were speaking loudly enough that their conversation was clear, but I wasn't paying attention. I was having breakfast with Kata, occupied with Ottó and my croissant...
But suddenly, a sentence caught my ear:
"…why give birth when I can adopt? It spares my body. It's just hard to get a baby..."
I haven't been able to let this go since. I hope I missed some crucial context at the beginning. Something that could cast this sentence, this thought, in a different light.
Having children is a complex issue.
Some want children but can't have them. Some don't want them but end up having them. Some are expected to have them and comply. Some don't. The list goes on. Concerned, aging parents ask their children: "So, what's the plan? When will there be grandchildren?" The government offers money, incentives, tax returns, loans—just have kids. One, two, three... That's how it is today, and it was similar in the past.
Having children is a private matter.
Demographic trends are a societal issue. Decide whether you want children or not. Decide whether you want to give birth or not. If you want children, I hope you have them. And love them.
BUT what is this sentence about?
I'm trying to see the positive side. Everyone has the right to decide about their life. Is your body more important than giving birth? That's your right. But this sentence carries an underlying tone that hurts. It pains me. Avoiding pain, avoiding loss, is more important than experiencing motherhood, than having a life develop inside you?
I'm a man. Biologically incapable of giving birth. I lived through the 9 months with both of my kids as they grew inside their mother. I felt and saw them move in the belly. True, they weren't in my belly, but it was still incredible. And I was there for my sons' births. I saw, I experienced something. But that's nothing compared to what their mother went through.
It hurt her.
I don't know how much. It seemed like a lot. But I don't know exactly. I saw but didn't feel it. So, do I have the right to get hung up on this sentence? Yes. I can get upset about whatever I want. I can write about it.
It's a private matter.
I don't have the right to tell anyone how to give birth or whether to do so. But this sentence... Somehow, it projects a very bleak future... Maybe I've watched too much sci-fi?
So, don't let it hurt; keep the body beautiful. But where is the limit? How far can we go to avoid pain, to preserve beauty? At what point do we lose touch with life? And what comes after? Is this part of evolution? What happens when we have artificial wombs? And we can program the child's parameters? Will having children become easy? Like buying a house and moving in? Will there be special loans for this?
A parent doesn't need to be a biological parent to have a relationship with their child, to love them. But is this still psychologically true if one could have a child but chooses not to give birth to protect their body? To avoid pain? How will the connection differ? How will the child differ? I don't know. I'd gladly discuss this to understand better.
Raising a child often hurts.
Not just childbirth. There are and will be a thousand painful situations. Even when the child is 40 years old. Because they'll always be your child. Avoiding pain, trying to escape painful situations, might be natural. After all, who wants to hurt?
We're not stupid!
But we're starting to be. The eternal chase for happiness, the perpetual flight from pain—where does it lead us? And what does it do to our children? What will young people spared from pain be like? Let's look around and ponder what we see. What have we done to them?
But back to the original question.
Is there something wrong with someone thinking this way? I don't think so. It's their business. A private matter. There's surely a reason they see it this way. It's a reaction to something. A strategy for self-protection. They'll decide if they thought correctly.
It's a private matter!
The problem arises if this thought finds fertile ground and the happiness/beauty/pain industry wants to profit from it.
That's a public concern!
Or is it progress? Creating trends with good marketing messages. Love yourself; have children without giving birth; childbirth isn't good for the child either! Don't start your child's life with pain! You'd subject your child to 9 months of solitary confinement in the dark, right from the start?
Maintenance-free artificial wombs with Velcro and ambient lighting, because you and your child deserve it!
Now, that's a problem! That's not a private matter; it's a public one! Sure, it might solve pension issues; baby-waiting loans can be fulfilled... Growth is checked off. And it won't hurt. For a while.
It wasn't good to hear this sentence. Let this remain a private matter.
It's better for everyone that way.
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The article was translated from Hungarian to English by ChatGPT. Thank you, ChatGPT, for being here.
