She's just like the others...

2024.06.19.

I think I was dependent on relationships; I couldn’t imagine myself alone. I needed someone beside me, someone with whom life was good. If I remember correctly, there was a period from the fall of 1994 when I was alone for about a year. After that, a big jump in time to the fall of 2021, when after a solid 27 years, I was alone again. This period was one of the most defining experiences in my self-awareness. During this time, the question floated before me: who were those women who defined my life, and what did they have in common...?

Who were they?

The classic answer might be: they were all like my mother! Sure. So, who were those women who gave me the space for so long to be who I wanted to be? As I sat there in my loneliness, thinking about them, the answer became increasingly clear. They were talented, smart, and exceptional in some way. I think I couldn’t have seen myself with any other kind of woman long-term. Yet, somehow, these women didn’t recognize this talent in themselves, or didn’t believe it, or simply didn’t know how to turn it into success for themselves.

Well, I’ll help!

I’ll help. And maybe here’s where my mother comes in. My mother, who was talented in her profession, one of the best students in the country. But life, and perhaps her own fears, didn’t allow her to become who she wanted to be. And as a child, I couldn’t help her. So, I’ll help the woman who’s beside me, who’s my partner. After all, that’s a man’s job.

I’ll fix it!

I think you should do it this way or that. Take risks, organize, get it done! Can’t you see what needs to be done?! Well, I’ll show you. Don’t you understand? What are you afraid of? I’m here. Come on, don’t be like that... I’ll tell you...

And these words, my overwhelming desire to help, somehow only reinforced in the other person the feeling that she couldn’t do it. While I found it so easy. And I didn’t understand what was wrong with her. And somehow, the distance between us grew, fueled by the feeling of inadequacy and everything that brought into our everyday lives.

What should I do?

I haven’t had many long-term relationships, but in all of them, this feeling eventually took over in one way or another. In the other person, the feeling of not being enough, and in me, perhaps the frustration of not being able to help once again. Here it was, that elusive feeling again. Maybe it was the realization that I couldn’t be the man who could help that important woman beside me become who she wanted to be. Or rather, who I thought she wanted to be.

So, what should I do?

I kept savoring this question over and over during that time in 2021 in my great solitude. If I get together with someone and recognize the talented, intelligent woman who doesn’t see her own potential, should I run? After all, my life shows that it’s doomed to failure. But why would I run? Chemistry is chemistry. Should I say no to something my instincts scream YES to? Hm. No, I don’t want to say no. So? I think I need to say yes if that’s what comes from deep within my heart, and I have only one job: to understand how I can be the man beside a woman who can be who she wants to be, because she dares to be who she wants to be.

But what should I do???

Well, that’s the question. I think maybe nothing. What does it take for someone to believe in themselves, that who they are is good enough—no, not just good enough, but special—at least to someone else? After all, there’s only one of them. When I see my partner running into the hurdles of life, hitting herself, maybe falling into the mud, wiping off the dirt in frustration, I don’t need to shout: Hurdle! Don’t you see? She sees it. And it hurts. So, I just help her up, maybe dust her off... or maybe just hug her, hold her hand, or look into her eyes from a little distance so she feels, it’s okay. She can try again. When she feels it’s time.

So, maybe it’s enough just to be there beside her. To love, to give security. Emotionally, financially. Whatever is possible. Or just try to understand what she’s going through and reassure her: it’s all right. Because after so many bumps against the wall, it’s already a huge thing to try again, regardless of whether the next hurdle is successfully cleared.

And then came Kata into my life. The talented, the curious about everything, the problem-solver, and of course, the beautiful woman who spoke about her dreams with enormous ambition but hesitant self-assertion. I’m learning how to be beside her, as a husband, as a business partner, as support. The company has started, more and more of you are getting to know what she’s created. A big hurdle has been cleared.

I’m looking forward to what’s next. I watch with curiosity as Kata, step by step in our everyday life, realizes herself, and with that, she gets a little closer to who she truly is. And with that, I get a little closer to something I’ve never succeeded at in my life.

Becoming a good partner.

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The article was translated from Hungarian to English by ChatGPT. Thank you, ChatGPT, for being here.