Wanting

2024.06.27.

As so often happens, I find myself reflecting on a time when I was alone. I was alone, and it wasn’t good. I really wanted to have someone. Okay, let’s find someone. Time to make a plan: where can I meet people, how can I survey the "options," and how can I quickly turn the situation into a win-win? I need this. And somehow, as this desire grew within me, the harder it became. My attempts started to feel forced. A friend, seeing my struggle, simply said, "You’re trying too hard, and it’s becoming awkward. Stop wanting it so much, and then it will happen."

Damn, another Eastern sage.

As I lay on the carpet, alone, lonely, in my bachelor pad perfected for picking up girls, I wondered how you can stop wanting something that you want. And really, I concluded that I wasn’t wanting the right thing. What I wanted was the result of something, not something you could actually want directly.

What can you want?

According to Feldmár, you can want something you can achieve, for example, by using your muscles. (His example was: Can a man want to have an erection? He can want it, but that doesn’t mean it will happen...) It’s like happiness in life, or like sales in business. How can I be happy? What do I need to do to be happy? How can I be rich? What should I do to become rich? I wasn’t happy at the time, so I dropped that thread because if I wanted to pick up a girl with that mindset, it wouldn’t be very successful :D

Business, on the other hand, was going well for me.

So, for a moment, I tried to go back to those situations where, even though I wanted something, I didn’t do anything directly to get it. Instead, I did things that were necessary conditions for achieving what I originally wanted. This was the case with money in my life, in my company. I never considered myself a good salesperson (Hmm. Looking at this parallel, maybe I’m not a good catch either?), but during my time at Games for Business, the results came relatively easily. Why?

I didn’t want to sell.

My goal wasn’t to have projects pouring in. I wanted good projects to come in. Projects that would have a continuation, where the client’s name was internationally recognized, where the task was interesting enough that even attempting to solve it was exciting, not just achieving the results. So, when I was in a negotiation, I was interested in what the client was like, what they wanted, what their problem was, and how much it excited me. I knew I didn’t need many projects. Just a few each year to meet my business goals. I didn’t see it as a failure if a negotiation didn’t continue. Not even if they said it was nonsense. I was aware that what we were doing was very different from the usual. I didn’t expect anyone to love what I love. And because I didn’t have that desperate desire to sell at all costs, the expectations in any given conversation were lower.

The tension decreased.

At least for me. Because I didn’t have the constant thought hanging over me that I had to make this work! This was my only chance to solve my life. There were times when I said no to a project, suggested other suppliers instead of myself. Then a few weeks later, they called back, wanting to work with me. And that’s how it was with selling my company too. There was a contract in front of me, a contract we had been working on for 7-8 months, and I said no, I didn’t sign it. I didn’t need the money at any cost.

It’s not just money, I have values.

And at this point, the other party wanted it more. It doesn’t matter if you have money if you can’t buy it. So, I didn’t want the money in the negotiations. I wanted something good, something the other person could also believe in. I didn’t sell my company, I didn’t sell the projects. I sold hope, the hope that we could do something good together. This hope was fueled by the belief that I had within me. And in the meetings, you have to be able to convey this belief.

But how?

I remembered an experiment I saw in a Facebook video. A physics teacher, most likely, holds a tuning fork, strikes it, and then starts bringing it closer to another tuning fork. Nothing happens. Then he brings it closer to another one, which starts vibrating. Why? Because they are on the same frequency. That’s why I talked to many clients because I was looking for those with whom I was on the same frequency. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I push, if we’re not resonating together, it won’t be an easy ride. I can tap, I can hit the other with my approaches, there may be results eventually, but the sound produced that way will be different...

Back to wanting.

I feel wanting in these conversations like I’m holding the tuning fork too tightly. Sure, I know this way at least it won’t fall out of my hand. But what happens during the meeting? If I finally find a client with whom I resonate, unfortunately, the tight grip means we resonate less. My desire changes the other person. They feel that here’s someone who wants something again. Who wants money. That’s the strong feeling. But everyone wants money. Don’t want it. Get in line.

If the feeling that money is more important than the task comes to the forefront, the dynamics of the conversation change. In reality, by giving you their money, the client is helping you. Because that’s what you want. But does the client want it? Do they care enough about you to want it? Do you want them to want this? Can you want this? (In dating, this is the feeling when you realize the other person cares more about having someone than the someone they’re actually talking to.)

Don’t want it. Don’t want this.

But if you don’t want the money, and instead just want to talk, understand the other person, get to know their desires, their problems, and you just want to show yourself, then openness toward each other can develop, the absence of desire relaxes the tension, and you can be more present for each other. And that’s a really good feeling, it’s good to be in such a situation. And this opens the doors for further opportunities, wherever they may lead. Whether in business or in other areas of life.

This is how I am today as well. Although it’s sometimes very difficult to understand what it is that I can want in a given desired goal and what it is that I shouldn’t want, just recognize and be in it, and then being in it will create the circumstances for me to receive what I originally wanted to take.

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The article was translated from Hungarian to English by ChatGPT. Thank you, ChatGPT, for being here.