Where to next?

2024.09.25.

For some time now, I’ve been thinking about leaving the country. I’ve been browsing international real estate websites: Spain, Italy, Portugal, maybe Austria. You can find property everywhere for the same price as here. Or cheaper. Honestly, the place itself doesn’t matter that much. But if the point isn’t where to go, then it’s probably more about getting out of here.

But why do I want to change? And what do I want to change?

I remember when I bought my first motorcycle. It was sometime in the early 2000s. A beautiful little 600cc naked bike… It was so pretty, so easy to handle, lovable. Everything was fine. It was great riding around, and if I went fast, I enjoyed the bike’s momentum, and if I went slow, I basked in the attention. But after two years, something changed. All I could think about was getting another one.

And so it happened—I bought a bigger one. Stronger. Cooler. I loved that 1500cc black bike, the way it roared beneath me. Yes, this was always what I wanted to feel! Definitely since high school. And this machine was exactly what I wanted. A beast, my iron masterpiece that embodied both my freedom and individuality.

For a year.

Then the feeling came back—I needed another one. Something newer, better, stronger, cooler, more masculine. More unique. Something that would make me feel more unique. Yes, that was it. That was the key. It didn’t matter about the power, the speed. I didn’t even ride fast. I wasn’t even really a good motorcyclist. I just wanted a bike that only I had. What should I get?

I bought a new helmet.

And it solved the problem. I didn’t need a new bike, nothing extra. A new helmet was enough to bring back that feeling: everything is awesome! I’m the king! Is that it? Is that what it’s about? That I have an endless need for change, for something different? I just need to figure out what can, should, or is worth changing to satisfy the feeling inside me. To bring that “we’re all good” feeling.

Are we all good?

I’ve been traveling a lot to our western neighbor lately. I observe the people, the towns, the shelves in Spar. There’s order. Peace. I didn’t see any fences made of sausages (though the grass is greener), and I don’t want to get into price comparisons, but somehow, the way people relate to each other feels entirely different. Is this societal well-being? That the road they tore up in the morning is fixed by the afternoon? All done by one person with one machine. That the shopkeeper lends you his truck to carry what you bought? Just like that? Because he knows you’ll bring it back. He doesn’t know, but he trusts. In you. In us. Strangers.

What do I trust in?

I love the place where I live now. I love the people around me. The gym I go to, the morning coffee with the guys before training, the pastry I nibble on while listening to them. But as I walk around the city, the country, something weighs on me. I don’t really listen to or read the news anymore. I don’t know who’s threatening my home, who wants to take away my security. I don’t know who’s right. I don’t know who’s telling the bigger lie. Unfortunately, I don’t care anymore, because I can’t decide. I can’t make sense of it all. I don’t know who I can trust when it comes to my future. After all, I still have a future, and I want to create again, do my work. Live, just live.

I want to change.

But what can I do? I’ve followed politics. I’ve read. I’ve watched podcasts. I’ve always voted. I pay my taxes. I pick up litter. I pay attention to the people around me. I help them. I support various organizations—sometimes foundations, sometimes associations. I try to be a good citizen. And I don’t know what else I could do. It would be so nice if someone could tell me what I should change.

How can I be a good citizen?

I’m happy to work toward making things different. I’m happy to learn and do what it takes to make us feel better. I try to be calm and kind at the store, at the gas station, on the street. Because maybe the mood is what really matters. How we treat each other. The faces you see in the elevator, in line. And whether you dare talk to someone on the street if you see they’re not doing well. Or to the person who drops their cigarette butt, their fast-food wrapper, or whatever they don’t need—asking them to put it in the bin instead of on the ground. Please.

I want to change.

Something. So I feel better. I don’t know why these things bother me now and didn’t before. I wish they didn’t bother me. I wish they didn’t bother me because they weren’t like this. And I don’t know how things are elsewhere. So I asked myself the question. What should I change? What can I change? How could I change what I’m living in now? So that the things I see wouldn’t be there.

Do I need to change?

Maybe I should just close my eyes? That’s an option too. Then I wouldn’t see. If I don’t see, maybe it won’t bother me. Or maybe I should just say, that’s life! It’s like this everywhere! At least here I know what it’s like. Or maybe I should just accept that, back in the good old days when I was young, people were different. This is how it is, and this is how we must love it.

Meanwhile, the question arises: while I try to be a good citizen because the country I live in matters to me, does the state want me to think it’s good too? Does it do the things that are important to me or to my community? Can reciprocity be understood in this relationship?

It should be, but I think no, it cannot. There is a power relationship. I’m just a statistical number. A social security number, a tax number, one vote. And I think it’s not different anywhere else. We live in a caste system. Like the bees. But maybe with bees, everyone matters. They matter to each other. It works for the bees; it could work for us too. There’s something that won’t let me rest. But I don’t know exactly what. Not yet. Just a tiny word stirs within me: Enough!

I want to change.

I like to make my own decisions about the things that matter to me. I work toward having that opportunity. Because in life, things usually don’t just happen. Usually, someone does something. I like to do things myself when it comes to matters that are important to me, and not wait for someone else to do something to me.

So, I’m searching for my answer to what I should do. I just need to figure out what can, should, or is worth changing to satisfy the feeling inside me. What I can change will become clear if I do it.

I’m on it. I’m on it to arrive at the “we’re all good” feeling. Not just for me. For us.

We live together. Let’s work on it. Let’s change.

I definitely will.

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The article was translated from Hungarian to English by ChatGPT. Thank you, ChatGPT, for being here.